What I Would Say If I Were Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods was recently arrested again for driving on pills and flipping his car over. Here’s what I would say if I was him to get out ahead of this story.

Image courtesy of The Sports Gutter Artificial Intelligence Studio

Hello. I would like to address the recent events that have transpired. First, I want to make one thing abundantly clear: I have done nothing wrong.

While it is true that my car accidentally flipped over—as SUV’s tend to do from time to time—and I was arrested for a DUI where absolutely zero alcohol was found in my system, the fact remains that I am not at fault.

The challenges I have faced stem directly from a long-standing battle with sex addiction, which placed extraordinary demands on my body and ultimately necessitated multiple back surgeries. Those procedures, in turn, required the use of prescription pain medications to manage severe and chronic pain. Regrettably, pharmaceutical companies have designed these medications to be highly addictive, creating a cycle of dependence that has proven difficult to overcome. I am therefore calling on Congress to enact some sort of legislation that provides a mechanism for holding Big Pharma liable for things like driving and flipping your car over while on pills.

Candidly, there have been occasions like last week, when I needed to drive in order to fulfill my professional, personal, and sexual obligations after taking an assload of pills. Perhaps I should not have been driving, but, then again, when managing severe and chronic pain through prescribed medication, one cannot simply remain immobile indefinitely. Practical realities—like, on occasion, driving somewhere to get my dick sucked—demand mobility, and I acted accordingly under those circumstances. Once again, let me reiterate: I have no regrets, because I did nothing wrong.

In light of these recent events, however, I have decided to step away temporarily to focus on my health. I respectfully request privacy for myself and my family during this time as we navigate the path toward lasting recovery and renewed focus.

I do intend to play at this year’s Masters, and I think I will win.

Thank you for your continued support.