NFL Power Rankings After Week 5
After 5 weeks, there are a few things we know: 2 teams are great, 5 teams are very very good, 8 teams are pretty good, 2 teams are so-so, 8 teams are not very good but they’re trying hard, 6 teams lick taint, and 1 team is a fucking embarrassment.
T1. Philadelphia Eagles (5-0)
If the Eagles keep winning games like this, they’ll be undefeated.
T1. San Francisco 49ers (5-0)
This team may go down in history.
T3. Detroit Lions (4-1)
The Lions are having so much fun winning games and we are thrilled for them, we really are.
T3. Kansas City Chiefs (4-1)
Taylor Swift.
T3. Miami Dolphins (4-1)
This team is fast! Wooo!
T6. Seattle Seahawks (3-1)
This team is not good or even great, but somehow, they are very good?
T6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1)
The Bucs are not going to wow you or impress you in any way, but they just keep doing what they’re doing and, apparently, they are a very good football team according to their record.
T8. Atlanta Falcons (3-2)
The Falcons won last week and now we’re thinking “Okay Falcons, let’s roll!”
T8. Baltimore Ravens (3-2)
The Ravens lost a weird game last week and now we’re thinking “Uh oh Ravens, this isn’t good.”
T8. Buffalo Bills (3-2)
Maybe the Bills aren’t good after all?
T8. Dallas Cowboys (3-2)
We don’t know if Dak Prescott is good or bad or great or sad.
T8. Indianapolis Colts (3-2)
The Colts.
T8. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2)
More like the London Jaguars, right? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha
T8. New Orleans Saints (3-2)
The Saints just are. They just exist and they are present in the moment.
T8. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2)
This Steelers team is something else.
T16. Cleveland Browns (2-2)
The Browns have won as many games as they have lost so far.
T16. Los Angeles Chargers (2-2)
We really like this kid Herbert even though the rest of the Chargers are just okay.
T18. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)
Uh oh.
T18. Green Bay Packers (2-3)
Maybe the Packers are not good? Who knows. We don’t.
T18. Houston Texans (2-3)
The Texans seem to be trying hard, and we respect that.
T18. Las Vegas Raiders (2-3)
What can you say about a team like this?
T18. Los Angeles Rams (2-3)
Puka Nacua. Puka Nacua. Puka Nacua.
T18. New York Jets (2-3)
The Jets are fucking losers, even when they win.
T18. Tennessee Titans (2-3)
We don’t know and we don’t care.
T18. Washington Commanders (2-3)
Whatever.
T26. Arizona Cardinals (1-4)
It’s official: the Cardinals lick taint.
T26. Chicago Bears (1-4)
The Bears. Are. Fucking. Back.
T26. Denver Broncos (1-4)
(Jerking off motion)
T26. Minnesota Vikings (1-4)
Huh?
T26. New England Patriots (1-4)
Awww wittle Bilwwy got bwown out again??? Awww is yittle Bilwwy gonna cry to his mommy???
T26. New York Giants (1-4)
The Giants are stupid.
32. Carolina Panthers (0-5)
The Panthers are an embarrassment to themselves and their families.